I know I haven't posted in a long while. I'm a terrible person I know. Events have happened that have sapped my will to blog, let alone do much that's happy and fun. Lets see since January, I believe was the last post yes? Well, January....Forrest and I decided it was time to add another member to our family, well to try to add a member to our family anyway. It takes us quite a while to get pregnant, so we didn't expect much. lol. February, What a delightfully sucky month. I took a pregnancy test because I was 5 days or so late. Imagine my shock when I looked at the test and it said "Pregnant" I think I looked at it several times and said, seriously? seriously? I was in shock. Months ago prior to this day we were trying to get insurance coverage for me for maternity. We had to have this paperwork in by a certain day other wise coverage wouldn't kick in in December. So, we sent the paperwork in and checked it a couple days after the due date, much to our, mostly my dismay it was "Pending" still. I was heartbroken. Something had been telling me for a couple weeks, that this child or this timing for the next baby was crucial. When I heard that it wasn't accepted yet, I didn't know what to do. I cried about it and told Forrest about my feelings that this child was important. I didn't know whether the timing, or the child or both was important, imperative even.
Monday came and I went to get the mail. I opened one from our Dr.s office and imagine my suprise when I found one that said our coverage would begin December 1st! I was like the answer to a prayer. I started crying.
Flash forward to our Valentine's Date the 13th. I was so excited to find out that morning that we were expecting. It was all I could do not to tell Forrest all day long. I was so excited. It had only taken us a MONTH!! not 12 or more!!! It was carefully planned out that when we went to dinner I would make some excuse to slip off and ask the waitresses to put a binky on Forrest's plate for dinner. The time came, I slipped off. Dinner came and the binky was placed. Forrest got his plate and regaurded the binky with some confusion for several moments. Then he looked up at me and said, does this mean your pregnant? I told him yes. He looked much the same way I had when I took the test myself. I think he was in as much shock as I was. Dinner went swimmingly. Then as we're sitting in the car on the way back Forrest says to me, out of the blue, I'm not sure we should tell people right away. Instantly I could feel my alarm bells go off. That scared me, it really did. But, we decided to tell our parents the next day Logan made Valentines cards. We signed them Love, Logan, Micah and October. At first the parents didn't get it. My mom started crying a little when she got it. All was happy, Forrest's words the night before were still niggling in the back of my mind.
My mother debated the next day on telling one of her co-workers that I was pregnant. She didn't end up telling her.
Monday night we had FHE at the Pendergrasses. I was feeling a little odd and went to use the bathroom. The horror and worry I felt the minute I saw that pink on the toilet paper (sorry tmi I know) was staggering. The rest of the night was a blur of phone calls to the Dr's office for me, I don't remember what we had for dinner and couldn't taste much of it anyway. The bleeding worsened a little as the night went on and I PRAYED it wouldn't get worse.
Tuesday morning, we finally got into the Dr's office and my worst fear was indeed confirmed. A Miscarriage. I like to think I handled the new rather bravely as the Dr. left the room and even as we left. I handled it well until I got into my car all by myself. I sobbed, I bawled, I'm sure I looked like a freak sitting there in my car crying hysterically. In that moment, I didn't care. My heart was well and truely broken. I'd only been about 5 weeks along, how could I already love something so much? I felt empty inside. I went to go get a blood test to make sure everything was gone, that I wasn't have an ectopic pregnancy, there was a mother with a brand new baby in there. I cried again. It seemed so unfair.
As I think back on it now, there were several warning signs that I should have picked up on. Feeling the baby was very important, I knew it was a girl, Forrest not being sure if we should tell people and my mother not sure if she should tell people. I think we were being prepared for this very moment.
Strangely, though I was very sad, I was alright. I knew that baby only needed get it's body and that was all it was called to do to complete it's journey. I knew that I'd get to see that child again, those thoughts comforted me.
I found out one of my dearest friends was pregnant a week later. She and I had been pregnant together and would be due a week apart. That seemed to rip the hole in my heart quite a bit wider. I'm sure I wasn't as happy as I should have been, but my heart was still devestated and hurt. I wanted to be angry that she got to be pregnant and I didn't. But, I couldn't. In truth it's still quite hard for me, I want my baby, I want my baby. I was so excited to be pregnant, I want....my baby.
I think talking about it some helps with the grief. Who am I kidding? I have moments of happiness, moments of frustration with my kids. I try to supress my feelings of loss and depression. I cry alone by myself sometimes, like now. I'm very grateful that I do have two beautiful boys. They bring me much joy and much happiness and much love. I cannot imagine my life without their smiling faces and hugs and kisses. They are the balm for my grief, they help me stay in the here and now. The moments that I'll never get back with them. I do thank my Heavenly Father for giving me the opportunity to carry that tiny life, if only for a short while. I'm thankful for the trials he's given me. I know that's an odd thing to be thankful for, but it helps me not to take things for granted. I'm grateful for those who love me and call me friend, sister. I'm grateful for the steadfast rock that is my husband, my partner in forever. I'm sorry this was such a depressing post, but it was something I've needed to expel for a while.
